I have not felt like writing for a long time. Don't get me wrong! I've had some good moments. I've even had days that had more good moments than bad moments. I'm amazed that that has been possible. I've wanted to write something positive. I've wanted not to write at all. I mean, surely by now, you guys are wondering when I'm going to "get over" this. Well, I think the answer to that is that I will never get over this, but I think I might be able to get through this. I'm starting to feel more like myself, but before that I have had so many bad things happen that I was very discouraged. Then I remembered having been through a really rough time in my past, and part of what helped me then. I felt like I had lost everything, and I wondered why God would take everything away--even my beautiful future. Well, I heard a couple of songs on the radio, and frankly, they made me very angry at first. The lyrics to the first one, "Naked I came from my mother's womb; naked I will return. The Lord gave; the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Oh that made me so mad! Then I realized something. Everything I had was not mine. It was God's. I was lucky to have been entrusted with it for the time I was. It wasn't mine. Who was I to complain if God wanted it back. That helped. The lyrics to the second one: "God is in control. We will choose to remember and never be shaken." Those lyrics also made me very angry. What mess God had made of my life! It didn't feel like God was in control. It didn't feel like anyone was in control at all. Then it hit me. God wasn't in control. I was. I had slapped His had away from the wheel yet again, and being the gentleman that He is, He didn't force me away from the wheel. I gave Him back the wheel. Now, that's not exactly how I looked at things this time. I remembered stating back in that difficult time when it felt like it was the end of the world, and I was a phoenix rising up from the ashes of my ruined life that I would never give up. No matter how hard the devil tried to discourage me, no matter what happened, I. . . would NOT. . . give up! THAT is what really helped. I don't care what happens (Okay, yes, I care what happens, but. . .), I will not give up. I will keep on believing. So. . . with the re-affirmation and renewing of my decision, healing began to take root. I have begun to be positive again--which is pretty amazing if you knew what new tragedies I've had to deal with recently.
Yesterday, I think it was, my students and I were talking during break. I think it started out with which version of The Great Gatsby we watched last year because a student had brought the Leonardo version for another teacher to borrow. I said that it was a blessing that we watched it (the Robert Redford version, of course) at the beginning of the year and NOT after my brother died. Then we talked about how hard it was to view the selected scenes we chose from the 1996 Romeo and Juliet and to talk about "The Fall of the House of Usher" because it was the end of the Usher family name. Then my sweet students started telling me how they felt so bad for me while we were doing those things (this represents three different grade levels, by the way), how they wondered how I could make it through it at all. It was beautiful to be able to hear that and be able to talk about it without falling apart. I mean, they know that I love my family majorly, and that it still hurts every day, but little by little, I am able to be myself a little more. I'm never going to be the same again, but I'm able to function better now.
I have been blessed immeasurably with the wonderful people God has placed in my life. I don't deserve these blessing, but I have them anyway, and for that, I am so grateful. I feel like many of you have held me up when I could not stand. <3 I have felt the prayers and the love--even when you thought you weren't doing anything "big." It was big to me, and it was enough.
Note: Please don't take this as making light of what has happened. Part of my world died. It will never be the same, but I've discovered that I AM strong enough to go on, to continue to try to help others, that there is enough of me left to help people.
