Yesterday made one month since my little brother's death, and it hit hard. How could it be a month already? My world shattered that day. How could life have managed to continue for a whole month now?! Life stopped for me, but the world has gone on. It's not right. It's disrespectful. Yet, the world has continued for a whole month. The sun has risen and set 28 times since February 27, 2015, like nothing ever happened, yet my life will never be the same.
I feel so conflicted. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until I wake up and find that it was all a bad dream, but I have children and a job, so I force myself out of bed each morning and into my daily routine. If I stay busy enough, I can pretend all is well, but in the quiet times--in the quiet times--my soul screams out that all is not well, that all will never be well again. I feel as if I have betrayed him if I smile for a moment or truly enjoy a moment. I feel as if I have failed my children and students if I don't continue to be myself. One of the most difficult things, though, is that the rest of the world goes on as if nothing ever happened. A piece of my soul died, yet the earth continues to rotate on its axis. It hurts to breathe, but the sun comes up anyway.
It feels disrespectful to continue with "life as normal"--the new, empty normal. I want to scream at the world, "Don't you know what you've lost?" But they don't. How could they? They don't know, but I do. Every day, I feel the weight of that loss again.
I don't think this really conveys what I'm trying to say, but the aching and emptiness is so deep, there are no words to explain it.
ReplyDeleteConnie, you have so beautifully articulated your emotions. I am so hurt for you. I will be praying for you!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Laurie, but that's not why I wrote it. I guess a lot of the reason for writing is because it's therapeutic, but mostly, I just feel that God wanted me to share the struggle because there are others out there who are hurting and feel alone.
ReplyDeleteI admire so much your willingness to share this struggle, Connie. It takes real courage to bear your soul in this way, and I pray that God will bless you for it. You still have my prayers!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rhonda. I don't really care if I am blessed for sharing or not. All I want to do is help someone else who is hurting or stop someone else from causing his or her family this pain. If I am able to reach just one person, it makes it worth sharing.
ReplyDeleteBesides, I'm sure people are getting tired of seeing my Facebook page filled up with my hurt. Now, I can just post it here, and if they want to read it, they can, but if they are sick of reading it, they can just ignore it. ;)