I think that I'm more in denial now than I was before (except for the very beginning).  It doesn't seem real.  It can't be real.  And I have so few tears left to cry.  Don't get me wrong--I DO have days that are okay.

I just wonder if this feeling (or lack of it) is healthy.  Probably not.  Not that any of this is healthy.  The grief, the loss, the stress, watching my mom try to wrap up the financial end of things.  It's crazy, but if someone dies, the bank won't tell you what's in their bank account, nor whether the house payment, car payment, or any other payments are automatically debited each month.  You can put money in the account, but you won't be able to take it back out.  Wrapping up all those things can be a real mess--and can take over a year when all the family wants is closure!  You can't have closure while there's still all this mess to deal with!

I wish I had something of his (from recent times).  Well, I do have a shirt.  I've managed to find a couple of books that were his when we were younger, but I sure would like to have something from now.  I sure wish that we could at least get the T-shirts that my mom wanted to make a quilt from.  We got a few shirts, but they're not T-shirts, and I'm not sure they'll really do what she wanted.  She wanted T-shirts because that's what he always wore.  That makes them more special.

I don't know if it has anything to do with any of this or not, but a couple of days ago, I just wanted to cry and cry and cry.  I didn't have time to.  Not sure I had the tears for it either.  I guess it's probably because his birthday is Tuesday.  I don't know.  I guess subconsciously I'm thinking about it--even though I'm trying not to.  I'm planning to spend some time with my sister on his birthday.  The event we were going to attend has been cancelled, but I still think spending time with family is an appropriate way to honor his birthday.  I had a great gift planned for him for the next time I gave him a gift.  I guess I should be glad that I had not yet actually purchased it.  I'm not sure I could stand to look at it.

I'm tired of this already.  I sure wish someone would step out and say that none of this is real, and we can go back to the good ol' days.  Someone. . . anyone. . . any time. . .