It's Not Okay

I know it's way past time to post something.  I'm sorry.  I haven't felt like writing.  I haven't felt like getting out of bed.  In fact, if breathing required a decision to do it first, I guess I wouldn't bother to breathe.  It's a little better now.  I guess.

I went to decoration with my parents.  I don't normally do that.  I mean, the person is not in there anymore, and I don't really care what is done with my body (within reason) after I'm dead.  I like to focus on the here and now and the memories.  I guess I don't want to remember that a person is dead. Anyway, my brother's headstone wasn't ready yet.  I think that was kind of a relief.

So now I've made it to the summer, and everything is not okay.  I'm having a hard time making myself get up in the mornings.  It's difficult to work on the five million things that I need to accomplish this summer.  So much gets put off until summer during the school year, so I always have more than I can possibly accomplish each summer.  In addition to all that, I need to help my mother get my brother's house ready to sell.  I need to move all the stuff in my classroom (again!)  And I need to prepare for this fall's classes.  The odds are not exactly in my favor here!

It's been four months, and it's not okay.  In fact, today is exactly four months since my brother's suicide shattered my world.  When do I get to wake up and find out that it's a just a terrible dream?  When does all the business that must be taken care of when someone dies end?  Why does it have to be so difficult to take care of things when someone dies?  Why does the world go on when someone dies?!

Yep.  Four months now, and it's not okay.