Well, I lied today.  I didn't mean to.  Someone asked me how I was doing.  I said, "okay." It's too complicated to answer that question with the truth right now!  One minute, I'm okay; the next minute I'm not.  Today, I don't even know what I'm feeling.  I've had moments that were not bad, but if I stop and think about how I'm doing, or if I have a quiet moment, it's rough.  I don't think it was too bad today until I went to church.  There was a little video as an introduction to the sermon.  It was about an empty Easter basket being just an empty basket.  Then it connected to the difference between an empty basket and the empty tomb.  Well, unfortunately, I got stuck on the empty basket.  My brother's basket would have been empty last week if we still did Easter baskets.  From there (for me), it went to empty chair (at Easter) and ended with the great big empty place in my heart.  I'm not sure that's really an accurate description, but right now, I'm not sure what is.  It's not exactly an empty place in my heart because there are memories in my heart, but there's definitely a piece of  my heart that is missing.

I had planned to write a more positive blog this time.  I want people to see that there are times that are "normal"--the NEW, not-improved normal.  Yes, I have some good moments.  Last night, my son and I went to Chick-fil-A for the Mother-Son Date Knight.  It was great.  There's a part of me that almost feels guilty every time I have a moment of joy.  I know my brother loved me and would want me to keep on keeping on, but it's difficult not to feel guilty.  As I said before, it's the end of the world, and I don't understand why the rest of the world is just going on like nothing happened.  There's a part of me that remembers sweet moments from our childhood and treasures those.  They have become bittersweet.

I think life has become bittersweet.  I love the spring, and it usually makes me feel so full of life and energy.  Now, I go back and forth from life and energy to barely able to make myself crawl out of bed.  If I am asleep, I don't remember.   Getting to sleep; however, is another problem.  I have too much time to think before I fall asleep.

Well, I have no more time to write today, so I'll try to end on a positive note.  I don't have anything of my brother's right now, but I did find a book that had been his on my bookshelf.  It's from 1984, and it was a Christmas gift from our neighbors in Michigan.  We had already moved down here, and they sent us gifts.  So I'm going to treasure this old book.  Finding it reminded me that I have a couple other books that he loved so much at home, and I'm going to go buy a copy of Snow.  It was one of his very favorite books before he could even read.  He had that thing memorized.  Maybe that's why the snow (that was really graupel) wasn't beautiful after he did.  Maybe I subconsciously thought about this book.  I'm glad to have the memories--and I'm glad that no one can take them away.