Past Due

I really don't have time to write this right now, but I can't focus on what I should be doing.  Technically, I try to post on Fridays, so I'm past due, but I've been working two jobs, so it's been difficult to find time to write.

I've already said that it seems less real now in some ways, and that's true.  Yet at the same time, I'm acutely feeling that it's past time to see my brother.  I don't think I've ever gone this long without seeing him.  It's been four months since I saw him.

I'm not even sure I can write this.  I have no words.  What I don't understand is how I feel. . . numb is not the right word. . . dead?  Maybe dead is.  But at the same time, I am flooded with emotions.  I am overcome with a sense of loss.  I keep reminding myself that he'll still be gone once I make it until school's out, but a part of me just won't accept that.  (It's been a very difficult school year both physically and emotionally--not all of it due to this--so I've been pushing myself to make it to the end, one day a a time.  Once I make it to the end, I will breathe, and all should be well--except that all won't be well, but when I started pushing myself, it would have all been well, so I guess that little part is deeply rooted by now).

I'm thankful for the second job.  It's just seasonal, but it keeps me busy, and if I stay busy enough, I don't have time to think.  I run into problems when I have time to think.  I've run out of tears, so that makes thinking a very bad thing.

Darn.   That's not completely true either.  I sometimes have tears.  I think I'm just too exhausted to cope.  I'm just worn out.  I'm holding on, waiting for something that is never going to happen, but I'm not ready to let go.  Maybe that's the whole thing in a nutshell:  I'm not ready to let go.  I don't want all this.  I just want to see my baby brother's crooked smile and hear him chuckle.  I want to see his hands move while he talks.  I'd even be happy to let him play with everything on the table while he talks, and I wouldn't complain at all.

But I can't.